pomp, circumstance, & a lot of memories.

I graduate high school on Friday.
Is this real life?
While I have been counting down the days until May 25th for four years, it never occurred to me that there is life beyond AP tests, Chemistry, and lockers. Apparently there is, and I am about to experience that life, and I am beyond excited. I'm not nervous, though I am sure I will be as move in day approaches. I am not overly sad, but rather, I am thankful for the memories I have made over the past 4 crazy years. And so, I give you and Ode to High School...

Freshman Year:

Winter Weekend: where Amber's love affair for a certain boy started

Tenth Avenue North: whom for, whatever reason, we thought were studs

Photography Class: this picture perfectly illustrates what we learned

My 14th Birthday: where I threw the most diverse group of people together and made them eat burgers in harmony

High School Retreat 2009: it's a good thing Elizabeth & I have improved since this day

Sophomore Year:

SuperWOW 2009: where we met some incredible people

Safehouse Outreach: where my peers & I were pushed outside of our comfort zone

(Sophomore year was incredibly inconsequential, obviously.)

Junior Year:

Last Day of School 2011: these two darlings' last day of high school forever.

Easter 2011: where Carley & I continued to be adorable

"Rememberin' Stuff" Cast Party: where we had to lay on top of each other to keep warm

Prom 2011: when I stuffed pumpernickel bread into my clutch

Stars-n-Strikes: where I was told I'd be adorable if I were pregnant. (Um, thank you? I think.)

Senior Year: 

Guatemala 2011: when my heart was once again captured

PCC: a place that is continuously shaping Amber & I

Anatomy: this picture also illustrates what we learned

Hillgrove Homecoming: where I realized my baby sister is not a baby (Come on, she looks like a rockstar.)

Volleball: where we first accomplished a Fist Pump picture for Today's Letters!

Senior Night: an excuse for adorable t-shirts 

Breakaway 2012: when I killed Taylor's back for the sake of a good picture

Prom 2012: when I discovered how white I truly am

Breakaway 2012 (again): I have nothing to say about this picture, honestly. We're adorable & I shall leave it at that.

Passion 2012: where I was overwhelmed by incredible people

So long, TCA!

... because He has dealt bountifully with me.

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I see the sleep of death,

Lest my enemy say, ‘I have prevailed over him,’ lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

Because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13

Today, I remember how bountifully I have been dealt with. I get really caught up in the here and now, and I forget to slow down to see the big picture. I forget to think about where I’ve come from.

When I slow down I realize that it was not too long ago that everything was flipped upside down and I didn’t know how I was going to get through freshman year. It was not too long ago that I laid on my floor screaming at God telling Him that He was not big enough or good enough or loving enough or capable enough to fix this mess I was in. And I was screaming all of the things I had been too scared to say my entire life, but yet my heart was begging Him to prove me wrong.

It was not too long ago that I was sitting on the operating table praying this would be the last test, scope, or operation. I was praying that the doctors would figure it out, that I would stop losing so much weight, that I would not be so sick anymore.

It was not too long ago that I sat on the phone, fearing for my life, as I heard malicious threats slurred over the phone. I remember saying, “I’ll do anything, just give me another chance.” It was not too long ago that I had myself convinced I deserved all the abuse I suffered from. It was not too long ago that I was compromising all of my morals to appease the anger of a man whom I thought I loved, but always feared.

It was not too long ago that I did not have a friend to my name because all of my bad decisions had pushed them away. When everything came crashing down, I had no one to turn to because I had been so horrible.

All of this feels like yesterday, but it was nearly four years ago. And I remember that day when every element of that came to a boiling point and I was angry and confused and I challenged God’s sovereignty. And He decided to humor me and take me up on my challenge. In these four years, He has cleaned up this train wreck, and brought so much beauty. And in all of that time, I missed it. I mistook it as a good case of timing or my own efforts. Or I just forgot how bad it was.

But He has dealt bountifully with me, and made beauty from my ashes, and His plans still prosper. And I hope I never lose sight of that.

How would life change if each person that approached us we treated as beloved of God, cherished by God, one of God’s favorite people?

Food for thought today. 

*warning, this is raw & honest.

When the pieces seem to shatter, to gather off the floor, & all that seems to matter is I don’t feel You anymore, no, I don’t feel You anymore. 

I need a reason to sing, I need a reason to sing, I need to know that You’re still holding the whole world in Your hands. I need a reason to sing.

When I’m overcome by fear, and I hate everything I know, if this waiting lasts forever, I’m afraid I might let go. I’m afraid I might let go. 

Will there be a victory? Will You sing it over me now? Your peace is the melody, will You sing it over me now? 

“Each morning I had to choose: darkness or fight.” 

Those are the words I said back in September. I was referring to 8th & 9th grade. It’s true. I did daily have to decide that. Sometimes, I had to decide every five minutes. But then, I stopped having to decide so much. I had to fight less & not quite as hard. And then I got here. I got to this point - six weeks before graduation, blessed with incredible people, & yet, I wake up and once again must decide - 

“darkness or fight?”

And some days, I claim victory. Some days, I give a good fight, but it isn’t enough. But other days, I wake up already exhausted, terrified, & discouraged. There I days I wake up defeated because I just don’t have the energy to fight. 

This week has been full of those days. It sounds pathetic & melodramatic because I have no good reason. Things are good, and so if you were to ask for the source of the problem - I wouldn’t know what to tell you. I just know I struggle with daily routine. I’m fighting off thoughts I haven’t had in five years. I don’t really know how to fight this one. It’s been years since I’ve had to fight it and I’m not quite sure I remember how. And people who don’t get it tell me to “brush it off,” “fake it till I make it,” or my personal favorite, “get over myself.” Doctors tell me I’m totally normal and that bouts with clinical depression will happen throughout my entire life. I never conquer it; I just keep fighting. And people who think they do get it tell me to get help... every. single. time. I do love when people tell me that I’m obviously not where I’m supposed to be with God, because God brings joy, and if I were close to Him these battles would not occur. (Just for the record - that’s the most ignorant thing I’ve ever heard. So just, don’t say it again.) I don’t need professional help. And I don’t need your pity. I just need to get it out in the open, & be raw honest that - 

I am tired of fighting.

I really don’t have the energy. & here lately, I’m losing more often than I’m winning. I go to bed feeling suffocated & I wake up the same way. And life doesn’t suck, and things aren’t terrible, and I’m completely aware of how blessed I am, and how it’s ridiculous that I feel this way - but I do. And this isn’t something I talk about a lot, but I just need to put it out there that I’m losing steam, here. I wake up and instead of fighting my way through the brokenness, I accept my defeat before it even happens. And I don’t know how to fix it, and even if I did, I wouldn’t have the energy. & this is supposed to be an exciting time and I’m tired of just making it & getting by. 

And if I were to be really honest with you, which I might as well since the rest of this post has been - 

I really just don’t understand why He didn’t give this battle to someone more competent. Because, depression is hard. And it literally takes every ounce of energy. And it’s taboo to talk about, which is why I never do. And 98% of the population thinks it’s all in your head and doesn’t take it seriously. And the journey is incredibly lonely. And I just don’t think I’m cut out for it. Not that I would wish this on someone else, but did He not realize I couldn’t do this? Because I genuinely just don’t believe I can. 

But, I have to, don’t I? I mean, there’s really no other option than to push through, and fight day in & day out. I just don’t really know what that looks like anymore. 

I’m sorry. This post was a little bit out of the ordinary for me. I did not intend for it to be such a downer. 

I finally found a life worth living for. It's not mine, it's Yours.

These words thundered through my spirit tonight. It's finally resonating with me.

Will Your grace run out if I let You down? 'Cause all I know is how to run.

Will You call me child when I tell You lies? 'Cause all I know is how to cry.

I am a sinner, if it's not one thing it's another, caught up in words, tangled in lies. But You are a Savior, & You take brokenness aside & make it beautiful, beautiful. 

all of my life, in every season, You are still God.

This picture holds no relevance to this post - but COME ON, you can’t tell me it’s not cute as well.. the cutest thing you can think of. 

It’s kind of funny to read my last post. It was all about accepting I wasn’t going to Samford. I was leaning towards UGA. I was accepting it. I wasn’t thrilled, by any means. And then I was thrilled. I was pumped about UGA. And then things shifted again, and I got an awesome offer from Berry, and my parents and I were at odds, and all of a sudden, I was once again having to accept that what I thought was best for me was not coming to fruition. And I wasn’t okay with it. I yelled. I threw things. I was bitter. I resented my parents and everyone who tried to tell me what to do. And I still don’t agree with how it all went down, but I’m okay. 

I’m okay with going to the one school I was not interested. I’m okay with not knowing my major or what the next four years will look like. I’m okay with the fact that everyone thinks I made this decision to appease my parents. (Which I did not. I made this decision for me.) I’m okay. And that took a lot. It took spending hours on my face yelling before God. I don’t know if I’ve ever been as honest with Him as I have been over the past two weeks. It took sitting with people I respect and having them shed some light on the situation. It took hearing the words, “There is no wrong decision, Tiffany. You can’t mess this decision up.” It took being loved on and having people who were going to love me no matter where I went. 

So, I will be at Berry in the fall. I’m not excited yet, but I’m content. I’ll be excited as it gets closer. I’ll forget about my pride or the million fights I had with my parents. I’ll forget about people’s opinion. I will get excited. I won’t be bitter. I’ll throw myself into this place. If I love it, awesome. If I don’t, I’ll transfer; no harm done. This isn’t life or death, though there was a time when I could have sworn it was. This was a big decision, yeah, but it’s not the end of me. This is a beginning, a new start. & I think Berry will be a good place for that.